In this article, I compile and share with you the relationship errors that I frequently observe in my clients during couple therapy applications related to couple relationship. If we list some behaviors and beliefs that challenge the dynamics of the couple most and sometimes cause the relationship to end;
- Covering up and ignoring the problems in the relationship. To act as if there were no problems.
- Being defensive and using critical language.
- To blame your spouse.
- Reading minds and not listening to your spouse.
- “… He sure thinks so.” to assume that he knows what is on his wife’s mind.
- Trying to change your spouse, not accepting him as he is.
- Having unrealistic expectations from marriage.
- “It changes after marriage, I change it, we never argue, we will always be very happy …” etc. to be in thoughts.
- To bring the problems experienced in the past over and over again.
- Being closed to differences. Adopting an inelastic black and white structure.
- To label your spouse, to generalize the events.
- “My wife is selfish, thoughtless … someone”, “She always does this …”
- Prolonged insults, putting too much distance in between.
Regarding mistakes made in the relationship, individuals should first notice their own behavior. Trying to change the spouse in the relationship, looking at their own behavior rather than blaming, “What is my contribution ?, What can I do?” It will be much more functional to ask the question. One of the biggest obstacles to change is to constantly blame your spouse for problems with hopelessness. When a person constantly sees the other person guilty, it becomes difficult to realize his own behavior and directs the expectation to the other side. However, in order to solve the mistakes made in rel ationships, it is necessary to change their own behavior first. When a person identifies problems and takes responsibility, it is easier to accept them and they can be more motivated to take steps together. It is very important for both sides to take steps towards a solution, to cooperate and it requires joint effort.
Among the mistakes made in the relationship is reading the other person’s mind, assuming that they know what they are thinking and interrupts the communication in the relationship. When the mind reads, one does not need to ask what the other person thinks. Misunderstandings increase and there is no need to communicate. When one party loses while communicating, it becomes unhappy when it is not understood. An unhappy person brings an unhappy relationship. An unhappy relationship affects both sides negatively.
Labeling the other person with negative adjectives in the relationship can become the problem itself instead of solving the problems. Repeatedly voicing and labeling the negative sides of the spouse does not solve the problem. There will certainly be disagreements and discussions in the relationship, but the couple must produce solutions by activating the ways of reconciliation. Every reconciliation does not mean that the problem is solved. Solution and peace should not be confused. A healthy communication should be established to solve the problem.
There will certainly be individual differences between spouses. Finding common solutions and establishing healthy communication strengthens the couple’s coping ways. Marriage is not individual differences that end the relationship, but the inability to learn to live with differences. Individual differences enrich and develop us.